TV Tuesday

final-ng_22-wall-group_1906_jw7aaFINALToday, I’d like to share part of a spec script I wrote a little while ago. I’m hoping to make it a habit to write more stuff for television as I prepare for my future career. For those of you who are unfamiliar with “specing” it is when you write an original script for a show that exists as a way for agents and producers to see that you can write in the voices of the shows you want to work for.  This episode “exists” between season 2 and 3 so Jess and Nick are new to their relationship while Cece and Schmidt are avoiding each other. Without further ado, please enjoy the following never-to-be-seen episode of New Girl! Feel free to comment below and thanks for musing with bananagrapes!

TEASER

INT. Loft kitchen/living room DAY. (D1)

JESS closes the fridge.

SCHMIDT

Jess, what have you done with my ‘om-a-lette’ eggs?

JESS

What’s up Schmidt?

SCHMIDT

Every week I purchase exactly 3 dozen free-range grass fed organic eggs from the farmer’s market.

JESS

Three dozen? That’s a lot!

SCHMIDT

And now they are missing from their rightful place on my shelf in the fridge.

JESS

Why are you looking at me?

SCHMIDT

Who else in this loft would re-appropriate perfectly good ‘om-a-lette’ eggs?

JESS

What about Nick?

NICK watching TV on the couch.

NICK

Don’t drag me into this!

SCHMIDT

Jess. Please.

JESS

Ok. Fine. I took the eggs.

JESS pulls out a carton of eggs from her bag.

SCHMIDT

I knew it! But why?

JESS

I need them for a class project. An egg-speriment, if you will.

SCHMIDT

I won’t.

JESS

They are going to take care of egg babies! I’m teaching my students responsible parenting skills.

SCHMIDT

Ha! You are going to teach children life lessons that you have yet to learn?

JESS

I know plenty about parenting! In fact, Nick and I would make ‘egg-cellent’ parents!

NICK watching TV on the couch.

NICK

Don’t drag me into this!

SCHMIDT

Oh, that’s hilarious. Nick Miller. Egg Father. Winston and I would make better egg parents than you and Nick!

JESS

You wanna bet?

SCHMIDT

Yes I do. $50.

JESS

Rules: egg baby must be returned to this fridge without a crack.

JESS and SCHMIDT shake hands.

SCHMIDT

I’m so egg-cited! I’m gonna text Winston!

JESS

Nick, get ready to be the best egg daddy this side of Tegg-sas.

NICK watching TV on the couch.

NICK

Don’t drag me into this!

JESS picks up an egg from the carton and tosses it to NICK.

JESS

Schmidt, It’s on!

The egg lands on the coffee table splattering everywhere.

JESS picks up a new egg.

JESS (CONT’D)

Starting now.

SMASH TO MAIN TITLES.

EXT. WINSTON’S CAR. DAY (D1)

WINSTON, waiting at a red light, is singing along to Wicked.

His phone beeps. WINSTON stops singing and picks up his phone.

WINSTON’S POV: text message from Schmidt: “Today we are egg daddies”

WINSTON shrugs and goes back to singing Wicked.

Phone beeps again.

WINSTON’S POV: “Got the package. Where r u?”

WINSTON

Jeez, Schmidt. What the hell are you talking about?

WINSTON’S POV: (typing) “gunna be at the mall. Please explain.”

WINSTON hits send as the word “gunna” autocorrects to “gunman” and explain autocorrects to “explode”

GUY in car behind WINSTON honks.

WINSTON’S POV: Green light.

GUY in car points to a sign that reads DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE!

WINSTON (CONT’D)

Sorry!

WINSTON puts his phone down and starts driving. A BLACK CAR pulls out and starts to follow WINSTON’S car.

INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

JESS

Look Nick, I’ve created an eggenda for the baby today.

NICK

An egg-genda? Really?

JESS

If we are gonna beat Schmidt and Winston we’ve got to show them we’re the best!

NICK

Don’t we just have to not let it break?

JESS

I’ve already done number one on the list: Give your egg baby a cute face and bonnet. See?

JESS reveals the egg with a cute face and bonnet.

NICK

When did you make that??

JESS

So you can start with number 2: build a crib.

NICK

Yay(!) Listen Jess, I don’t think I’m really into this whole egg parent thing. Can I just keep it in the fridge ’til you get home?

JESS

No! Nick, this is serious. It’s a chance to see how great we’ll be as parents.

JESS (CONT’D)

I know we will be!

NICK

I know we won’t be. Will.

JESS (CONT’D)

I need to go to work now, but I’ll be home early so we can finish the list together.

NICK

Great(!)

JESS runs to the door and opens it. CECE, her model best friend, is standing there about to knock.

CECE

Hi Jess. Is Schmidt here?

JESS

No, I think he’s taking his egg baby to meet Winston. What’s up?

CECE

Thank god. He is the last person I want to see since…

NICK

Since he ruined your wedding and won’t decide if he’s in love with you or his college girlfriend, Elizabeth?

CECE

Pretty much.

JESS

What are you doing with a suitcase?

CECE

They are fumigating my building and I need a place to stay, but it’s gonna be weird with Schmidt here. I should go. I’m gonna go.

JESS

No, you can stay in Nick’s room. Schmidt is not allowed in there.

NICK

It’s pretty scary.

JESS

And it’s unoccupied now that Nick and I are shacking up.

(singing porno style)

Bow-chicka-bow-wow…

NICK

Jess. No.

JESS

Sorry.

NICK

But yeah, Cece, you can stay in my room as long as you want.

JESS

Just watch out for Nick’s half-refurbished closet. It’s a hazard. He keeps saying he’s gonna finish it.

INT. NICK’s BAR. FLASHBACK.

SCHMIDT, WINSTON, and JESS are sitting at their favorite table. NICK enters with four beers and sits, passing out the beer.

NICK

It’s happening. I’m gonna finish refurbishing my closet. Today.

No reaction. ALL including NICK take a drink.

INT. LOFT BATHROOM. FLASHBACK.

The shower is running. SCHMIDT and JESS are brushing teeth. NICK sticks his head out of the shower curtain.

NICK

I’m gonna finish refurbishing my closet today!

No reaction from SCHMIDT or JESS. NICK sticks his head back in the shower.

BACK TO PRESENT.

JESS

But he never does.

NICK

Nope. And it’s pretty dangerous. I’ve gotten stuck in there for hours. And lost some personal items as well.

JESS

It’s the Bermuda Triangle of the loft.

INT. NICK CLOSET. FLASHBACK.

NICK is squashed in the space between the wall and his closet flailing.

NICK

I’m definitely gonna finish refurbishing my closet today. Oh, there’s my toothbrush!

BACK TO PRESENT.

CECE

Thanks Nick. I think I can stay away from the closet.

CECE heads towards Nick’s room and opens the door. She recoils from the sight and stench of pure Nick.

JESS

And you’re probably gonna need this.

JESS hands CECE a gas mask.

EXT. WINSTON’S CAR. DAY (D1)

WINSTON is now singing along to Celine Dion’s greatest hits. We can see the BLACK CAR is still following WINSTON. He has not noticed yet.

His phone beeps again. He looks at it and as he’s reading he swerves into the other lane. Cars honk.

WINSTON

“Do not text and drive.” Ok. I get it. I’m almost at the mall, I’ll just wait.

WINSTON continues to drive and the BLACK CAR continues to follow him even as he swerved into the other lane. WINSTON looks in the rearview mirror and sees the black car. He shrugs and goes back to singing.

INT. JESS’ CLASSROOM. DAY. (D1)

JESS

Ok class. Now that you’ve all got your egg babies. You can get out your ‘egg-gendas’ and follow along.

STUDENT raises her hand.

STUDENT

Miss Day?

JESS

Yes, Kelly?

STUDENT

Why do we have to do this?

JESS

Because you are learning how to be responsible parents.

STUDENT

By keeping an egg from breaking?

Oh, Kelly, it’s so much more than that. So much more. To the Egg-genda!

INT. LOFT. NICK’S ROOM. DAY (D1)

CECE is reading a magazine on Nick’s bed. She kicks off her shoes and one of them flies into the closet. She looks at the closet. She can see the heel of her shoe.

CECE

Gotta go after the Jimmy Choos.

INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

NICK

Ok, Egg-genda, what’s up? Build a crib? On it!

NICK tinkers over a heap of wood and other materials. He backs away to reveal a very shoddily built ‘crib’ for the egg.

NICK (CONT’D)

Hmmm. It could use a little more work.

INT. LOFT. NICK’S ROOM. DAY (D1)

CECE is leaning carefully into the hole between the wall and the closet.

CECE

How am I not finding my shoe?

CECE slips and falls into the space between the wall and the closet.

CECE (CONT’D)

Oh, crap.

CECE struggles and bangs on the wall.

CECE (CONT’D)

Help!

INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

NICK wearing headphones, eye goggles and singing “Cotton Eyed Joe” while using a power drill. He does not hear Cece.

INT. JESS’ CLASSROOM. DAY. (D1)

JESS

Now that you’ve given your egg a face and a crib, it’s time to name it. Think of a clever egg-themed name like Shelly…

INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

NICK

I shall call you: Gregg.

INT. JESS’ CLASSROOM. DAY. (D1)

JESS

Next: You should give it a bath.

INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

NICK in the shower with the egg. An eye falls off. He does not hear Cece.

INT. LOFT. NICK’S ROOM. DAY (D1)

CECE struggles and bangs on the wall.

INT. JESS’ CLASSROOM. DAY. (D1)

JESS

Play a game. Like Monopoly or Backgammon.

INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

NICK rolls a soccer ball across the table to the egg in its new “crib.”

INT. JESS’ CLASSROOM. DAY. (D1)

JESS

Sing your favorite song and dance with your little egg baby. My favorite song is “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” from the classic film Dirty Dancing.

INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

NICK dancing with the egg while blasting and singing “Cotton Eyed Joe.” He does not hear Cece.

INT. LOFT. NICK’S ROOM. DAY (D1)

CECE struggles and bangs on the wall.

NEXT. WINSTON’S CAR. DAY (D1)

WINSTON turns in to the mall parking lot. The BLACK CAR turns as well. WINSTON looks concerned. He looks at his phone and then back to the BLACK CAR.

WINSTON

Man, they are really serious about that texting stuff.

WINSTON drives around the parking lot to see if the car is really following him. It is. He starts to panic. He drives out of the parking lot and back onto the street. The black car follows him.

INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

NICK is watching the game with the egg on the couch. The phone rings.

INT. JESS’ CLASSROOM. DAY./ INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

JESS

Hey Nick, how’s it going?

NICK

You know this “egg dad” stuff is a lot better than I thought it would be.

JESS

I knew you would be great! Oh hold on, I’m getting another call. Hello?

EXT. SCHMIDT’S CAR. DAY/ INT. JESS’ CLASSROOM. DAY./ INT. LOFT. DAY. (D1)

SCHMIDT

Hello Jessica. Just letting you know that I’m on my way to meet Winston. Egg-savier and I had a lovely day at the spa and his music lessons went splendidly.

JESS

Well, Nick and I are about to take little Shelly for a walk in the park!

SCHMIDT

Watch out for ‘veggrants.’

JESS

Good day, sir.

SCHMIDT

That $50 is mine!

JESS

I said, “Good day!”

JESS hangs up on SCHMIDT and switches back to NICK.

JESS (CONT’D)

Nick? So let’s meet at the park so we can take little Shelly on a walk!

NICK

You mean Gregg.

JESS

I’m pretty sure Shelly is a better name for an egg baby than Gregg.

NICK

Look, I’ll meet you at the park. I’m leaving now.

JESS

Ok. See you there.

NICK packs up the egg baby and heads out the door.

CECE struggles and bangs on the wall.

CECE

Help! Nick! Anyone?

EXT. PARKING LOT. DAY (D1)

SCHMIDT is sitting in his car with the egg baby in a car seat in the back seat in full egg baby face and outfit. He is on the phone leaving a message for WINSTON.

SCHMIDT

So, I’m at the mall. Where are you, man? I’ve got so much to tell you. I took little Junior to the park and we kicked around a few balls. We got ice cream. You should see him now, he’s all tuckered out. Anyway…oh, you’re here!

WINSTON pulls up next to SCHMIDT with a panicked look on his face.

WINSTON

Schmidt, have you ever had the feeling that you were being followed?

SCHMIDT

Oh Winnie, is that ole’ Latvian paranoia setting in again. Relax! No one is following you.

WINSTON jumps out of his car and into SCHMIDT’S car.

WINSTON

Get in.

SCHMIDT gets in WINSTON locks the doors.

WINSTON (CONT’D)

I think I lost him.

SCHMIDT

Check it out! I bet Jess that you and I can take better care of an egg baby than her or Nick. I named him Schmidt Jr. AKA Egg-savier. AKA Humpty McBenedict. Isn’t he perfect?

SCHMIDT hands WINSTON the egg.

WINSTON tosses it SCHMIDT screams. The egg lands safely in the cushioned egg car seat.

SCHMIDT (CONT’D)

What are you doing?? That’s our baby!

WINSTON

We don’t have time for egg babies, Schmidt. Do you hear what I am telling you? Someone is out to get me.

SCHMIDT

But why?

WINSTON

I don’t know. It all started when I got your text today.

SCHMIDT

Winston, what have I told you about texting and driving?

WINSTON

I know. I know.

SCHMIDT

Were you singing Wicked again?

WINSTON.

No. (beat) Yes.

SCHMIDT

It was probably that.

Winston

No it wasn’t.

SCHMIDT

Yes it was!

Winston

No it wasn’t!

No it wasn’t!

SCHMIDT

Yes it was!

Yes it was!

MAN approaches Schmidt’s car and taps on the window. WINSTON and SCHMIDT scream.

WINSTON

Calm down! Gotta pull it together.

SCHMIDT

I think he wants you to open the window.

WINSTON opens the window. MAN flashes a badge.

MAN

FBI.

WINSTON and SCHMIDT scream.

END OF ACT ONE.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s